Post by JamesMFan on Nov 22, 2005 19:03:04 GMT -5
Don't ask me why I'm doing this. Perhaps it's abject boredom, or the promise of $3! Yes, that's right the equivalent of £1.50 has driven me to this. I'm a cheap whore. (and I won't even be getting the damn money!)
Anywho - this is my review of "Welcome to the Hellmouth" from a little-known show called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Now, I don't profess to be psychic or whatnot, but I have a good feeling about this! It's gonna be big!
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Establishing shot "Sunnydale High School" at night.
I'm excited, are you?
Fade into a shot of the school corridor, the library, some door type things...a classroom...riverting stuff, this.
Oooh bones! No, not DB's new show. Close up on a window. Yikes! Arm through window! Arm through window! A young man and a young blond woman start to climb through the window. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" She asks. "It's a great idea, come on!" He replies. You know...generally when people say that it really is NOT a great idea. But, I digress.
The witless couple stroll down the dark empty corridor talking some nonsense about seeing the whole town from the roof of the school - I bloody think not! The catholic-school girl broad plays it coy. She's just a dimwitted lass, you know. He's all "Hey, baby, hey baby, aww yeah, baby" or whatever. This fairly disastrous "flirting" goes on for too damn long. The guy finally leans in - all up in Dar...I mean "unnamed teen-girl"'s grill - but before he can get any play, she whips her head around and gasps. His halitosis must be pretty bad.
"What was that?" Blondie asks, frightened. "Colgate minty fresh, I swear!" He replies. Only, not. She heard a noise. He didn't. Blah blah blah. He teases her for being a wussy and she's all "it's not funny!" in her way-too-sexay voice for a high school student. Guy pretends to check it out, sing-songing "Helllloooo" with his back to her (Bad move, stud!) before insisting there's nobody there.
She moves in front of him, giving him her back. Not literally, because she needs a back. She's all "Okay..." whips around and BAM! She's a Nosferatu with hair! Holy schmoly! Sinking her vampiric fangs into the poor schmuck they both drop out of frame. Kinky.
Fade to black, yo.
Cue embarrassing First Season credits. Awwoooooo! Wow, SMG was young and also not so blond. Bad hair, bad! hee hee Aly...Cordelia with bags under her eyes...Giles looking foxy. Hey, Boreanaz wasn't in the credits! That's excellent. The rather tinny music slows down onto a rather unflattering shot of ol' Buff and "Created By Joss Whedon Champion of the People" carries us to black.
Hey hey! We're back. Some random girl is lying in bed...oh poo to this! It's Buffy. Her bed is big. I don't even have a bed that big and I'm older than she is at this point. Biiiiitch. She's having some freaky dreams about blood and vampires and, for some reason, religious statues. Gotta watch out for those Menorahs, kids! Hey, Moloch is in her dream! Da-am, girl's prophetic! The Vampyr book...Giles' finger. Eww. Buffy dreams of his finger! The cross Angel gives her, some zombies, gravestones blah blah. Basically it's fun for all the family.
She FINALLY wakes up when the Master turns to look at her with his fruit-punch mouth. Not that the mouth actually looks at her. That's more the eyes. Anywho, her mumsy shouts up to her and Buffy replies, sitting up. We see a bunch of crap in boxes around her bed. One box says "Wardrobe" which I find hard to believe since it's tiny. "Don't wanna be late for your first day!" shouts Kristine Sutherland, without actually sounding anything like Kristine Sutherland. "No, wouldn't want that" Buffy mumbles. Gasp! Methinks this be a sarcastic girl!
Cut to some slut-bomb's leg's as a couple of All-American boys push past her. She's all "Hey, bitches!". Yellow school bus. I covert a bus such as that. Oh, and some really emo music is playing. We pan up to reveal Sunnydale High, were necking is all the rage. Yes, I said necking.
Anywho Boreanaz's name appears on the screen in front of the bus which is some sort of foreshadowing for how huge he'll get in Season Five of Angel.
Buffy and Joyce pull up to the school, Joyce looking young and with different hair and also not dead. Oops, spoiler. Joyce is all supportive "mom" as Buffy gets out of the car to start her first day at a new school. "And, honey," Joyce adds "try not to get kicked out". There's support, for you. Joyce pulls away in her big honkin' car as Buffy surveys all that she owns! Or, rather, the school.
Cut to some dude skateboarding wildly. A bunch of students jump out of his way because he's a mad clown, yo'! We'll probably never see him again though. Young-boy-with-mop-hair spots Buffy going up the stairs and he's so transfixed by her hairdo that he skates right into the stair railing. Wipeout! Or is that surfing? Meh.
Some dorkish girl smiles at him as he lays on the ground like roadkill. We learn her name is "Willow". But I doubt she'll have a big part to play. They talk about "math". She is clearly the clever one, while he is a big dumb guy. They discuss the library. Some lanky dude in an orange shirt joins them and they move on to the riveting topic of the new girl. Buffy's a "hottie" apparently. Who knew?
And now we're in the Principals Office. Buffy's in there getting her record read out to her as if she has amnesia or something. He sits at his desk and we see his name is "B. Flutie". I'd rather B Buffy. Snar, snar. He rips up her permanent record, showing how much of a radical Principal he is. She looks shocked but secretly she's glad her evil scheme is working. "Welcome to Sunnydale. A clean slate, Buffy. That's what you get here. What's past is past" He starts to reconsider as he reads off the pieces of her record and clearly sees something shocking. They make some small talk and we learn his name is Bob rather than B, which is a shame, as he sticks the pieces of paper back together. Turns out Buffy burned down the gym. "That gym was full of vampires...!" Buffy starts but changes to "...asbestos". Yeah, cos vampires and asbestos sounds SO alike. She could have at least said...camp fires...or something....
Buffy's walking out into the hall. She's wearing a short skirt, which I failed to mention before. Which is odd since I like mentioning such things. Collision! Buffy dumps the contents of her bag onto the floor and the people that walked into her don't bother to help. American bastards! Luckily, Skateboarding Guy is at hand and rushes to her aid! He bends down and starts picking some of her crap up, asking "Can I have you?" Nervous laugh "Can I help you?". Oh, come on. We'd all rather HAVE her. They make introductions. He's Xander. Weird name. Awkward talk. Buffy exits. Xander's a loser. A loser who has Buffy's "stake". She could have at least tried to make it look a little more like a vibrator.
"Black Death" YIKES! Worry not, it's just what some teacher is writing on the blackboard. And then we see some RANDOM girl with long brown hair, very pretty, who is of no consequence whatsoever. Buffy's next to her. She doesn't have a book. Silly girl. The pretty girl offers to share hers with her. Wow, this girl is nice! Class ends rather abruptly and the girls make with the introductions. This will be a recurring theme throughout the episode. Turns out the girls' name is Cordelia. And Buffy's name is Buffy. Incase you forgot. Cordelia offers to direct Buffy to the library whilst chatting about "Hemery" in L.A. Cordelia would "kill to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes". FORESHADOWING! She tests Buffy's "coolness factor" to see whether Buffy is suitable friend material. I do that, too. Except my test involves self-flagellation. So, anyway, our Slayer is all thinking "wow, Cordelia is the shiznet! So nice and tall!". Well, she had the latter part right.
Willow's having a slurp at the water fountain and Cordelia makes some arsey comment about her clothes. Buffy's now all "wha? Cordelia? I thought you were cool but it turns out you're just a fool!". Cordy continues to berate poor Willow as Buffy watches it all, distressed. Cordelia announces Willow to be a "loser" as she hightails it. Moving on...they talk about the Bronze. Some club that's in the bad part of town, which is by Cordelia's own admission, "About a half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town, here". She invites Buffy to go. Buffy says she'll try. I'm sure the Bronze won't be an overused set, or anything.
Bell rings and Cordelia buggers off whilst Buffy strolls into the Library. Another set we'll never see again, I'm sure. The library is empty as she calls out to anyone, leaning on the counter. Menacing music plays as she looks down at a newspaper. Close up on an article circled in red, the title reads "Local Boys Still Missing" with a picture of what I presume to be local boys.
A hand taps her on the shoulder kind of hilariously, as if she has the BLACK DEATH and it doesn't want to have too much to do with her. She whirls around to face Tony Head! Hmmm Gold Blend. "Can I help you?" Tony asks. She's looking for some books, and tells him she's new. "Miss Summers?" He says curiously. He announces himself to be Mr Giles, the librarian. I don't believe it for one second! Not with that raunchy outfit on! He darts around to the other side of the counter as Buffy waffles on about some textbooks. "I know what you're after!" He says, and slams a big ol' book o' Vampyr down on the counter. Hey, didn't she have a dream about that very book and about that very finger of Giles' ? Spooky. Buffy seems to think so too as she backs away "That's not what I'm looking for". Giles looks flustered and puts the book back under the counter as she makes a break for the door. He starts to ask her to state her damn business then but she's already halfway to Splitsville by then.
Girls' Locker Room. Now this is more like it! Some girls are mouthing off about Buffy. Jesus, a new kid is that interesting? "What kind of name is Buffy?" One snorts, as some other girl greets her "Hey Aphrodesia!". Heh. I'd call her Afro. Some Latino girls starts acting up to the stereotype of all like "step-down girlfriend! uh huh! uh huh!" and opens her locker. Dead Guy who got munched on at the beginning of the episode tumbles out onto her shoulder as she screams her damn head off. Hey, we all need someone we can lean on! Give the guy a break.
Willow's eating a sandwich! That's entertainment, people! Buffy gallops up behind her "Hi! Willow, right?" "Why -- I mean hi!" Willow responds delightfully. The Vampire Slayer is asking her for a favour. Of course. She couldn't just want her companionship, could she? The bitch. Oh, right, it turns out the favour is Willow hanging out with Buffy. The hardship of it all! Ah, and she wants her help with studying! I knew there was a catch. The bitch. Willow's very enthusiastic about it, though, offering to help her in the library but Buffy's all "oooh nooo there's a scary English guy in there!". Willow thinks Giles is "really cool". I knew there was a reason Willow was considered the smart one. Buffy finds out Giles is new too and gets her Suspicious Face on.
Xander and Jesse join them rather rudely, I think. Xander rambles on about Buffy and his deep relationship with her and she manages to look both amused and creeped out. It's a good look on her. Xander returns her stake. Buffy bullcraps that she uses it for self-defense rather than good old fashioned pepper-spray. Well, I suppose if you stab someone in the eye with one it'd be just as effective. The boys question Buffy incessantly about herself and Xander informs her that in a town this small, she's big news. Really, I hadn't noticed. Cordelia shows up to save us from the tedium. Jesse has a thing for her. Oooh I think it's looooove. She's here to announce the news of the "extreme dead guy in the locker". Shock shock horror horror! Buffy starts asking too many questions and Cordelia labels her "Morbid much". The Slayer makes a quick getaway to the Locker Room!
She rips the door open with her brute strength. Yesss, some action! The body is just lying on the floor covered by a blanket. What the crap? Helloooo security! The guy has bite marks on his neck. Okay, we get it! Buffy is way pissed off.
KA-BLAM! She bursts through the library doors spouting her cool teen lingo at a befuddled Giles. What an insolent wretch! She's chatting about the dead guy. He wasn't that interesting, must we continue to make it all about him? Sigh. By the by, Giles and Buffy have got some mad sexual tension going on in this scene. Just pointing it out. Hehe Buffy was worried she'd have last months hair. Try last decades, darling! Meow. She expositions that the Dead Guy won't rise from the dead because he didn't get to suck Darla's blood. How does she know? She didn't exactly go "Gil Grissom" on the body and start searching the stomach lining! Mmm nice mental picture. "It's like a whole big sucking thing" She summarizes. She's talking about the Buffy/Angel arc already?
Bwha.
Buffy's like 'leave me alone, freaky British librarian person!' And he's all "Nuh uh, girlfriend! You are the Slayer! Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, one girl with the strength and skill..." Buffy interrupts him to finish off "...to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah blah blah. I've heard it, okay?". Noooo! Run from their evil blah blah! So, Buffy's all cynical and snarky so Giles decides the best course of action is to tell her about the Hellmouth. Good call! "Zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi...everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day - they're all real!". I'm feeling kind of ripped off, here. We never had a nice old-fashioned incubus invasion on BTVS. Moving on...we learn Giles is a "Watcher", that's English for "Pervert". Buffy then cleverly works in some exposition on how to kill a vampire. Je-sus. Get on with it! She goes into a big sob story of having a secret identity and losing popularity. Then she legs it. Giles runs after her. Xander emerges from the stacks all "What?!" DUN DUN DUNNY DUN!
And we're out in the hallway where Giles is shoving Buffy up against the wall. FORESHADOWING! Or, maybe not. Whatever, it's sexy as hell. They talk on and on about something happening and Giles gets pretty rough with her. I like this Giles! She scoffs at his
concern "Oh, come on! This is Sunnydale! How bad an evil can there be?" Ooooo crap! She should NOT have said that.
And we're outside the school, the camera panning behind some bushes. Cordy in Bushes! (Sorry, inside joke). Then the camera goes underneath the ground to reveal a spooky church with lots of candles. Cue menacing music and guys with ugly faces and flaming torches! Some guy with a wonderful voice is murmuring about "the sleeper will wake". Ha, don't count on it. My mum's been shouting that at me for many mornings now and I never do wake. A big ol' vampire is kneeling by a pool of blood. Yum, breakfast. He talks some other crap. And then we suddenly go to black. Told ya the sleeper wouldn't wake!
Buffy's room! She's debating which outfit to wear "Hi! I'm an enormous slut!" Well, at least she's honest, "Hello, would you like a copy of the Watchtower?". Joyce comes in and asks her whether there'll be boys at this club. "No, mom, it's a nun club" hee. I love that line. Mum lecture. Buffy assures her that from now on she's only going to hang out with the living. Oh, dear, she was so innocent back then wasn't she? Right before she started dating the undead. Those were the days...we hated.
And now she's strolling down the street dressed in a shirt and trousers...this is her outfit to go to a club? Oh, Buffy. It's dark and the street is empty and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as a pair of man-shaped legs enter the frame. I can tell this is going to be the start of something wonderful. GACK. So, this Himbo stalker decides to follow the Slayer at about five paces behind her and thinks she won't hear him. She does, o'course, and makes her way into the alley with him close behind. Himbo finds himself alone in the alleyway "Guh..." he is surely thinking. Turns out Buffy's above him doing a handstand on a conveniently places pole she made earlier! She waits for him to walk just underneath it before she swings down and kicks him in the back. Sweet. Then she pins him to the floor with a foot to the chest. Love is in the air!!!! Hey, it's David Boreanaz! "I know what you're thinking, but don't worry, I don't bite" He says. Hmmpf, I remember a certain "Graduation Day Pt.1" scene that'll prove you wrong, mister! Buffy stupidly let's him up. He's wearing a velvet jacket of all things! Not gay at all. Not an ounce of gayness here! He thought she'd be taller. Witty banter. He gives her a present and tells her to be ready for "The Harvest". Yes, Buffy, be ready for the second episode. She asks who he is. "Let's just say I'm a friend" he smirks and walks away. Buffy says she doesn't want a friend. "I didn't say I was yours" He finishes cryptically before disappearing. Yeah, he's my friend! So up yours! Turns out he gave her a pretty silver cross. Aww, now I'm in love.
BRONZE. Crappy music. Some guy waves and Buffy waves back only to find out he was waving at the person behind. Oh, I've done that. Heh. The waving guy will later turn up in the TV series Dark Angel as "Rafer", a man-ho. Yes, I do watch that much TV. Willow's over by the bar and Buffy joins her cheerily. We learn Willow has a crush on Xander. They dated when they were 5. Rough break up. Buffy's philosophy is "Life is short". Just like me and Sarah Michelle. She spots Giles up above on the BALCONY! (that place only means one thing now) and excuses herself.
"So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kind of skanky?" Heh. Stuffy Britishness. Reinforcing of British stereotypes. They talk about The Harvest and the Cryptic Guy "Dark, gorgeous...in an annoying sort of way" (Well, it's no "Kind of sallow...but in a hot way!" is it?). Giles looks concerned and positions himself behind Buffy. On the balcony. Yes, THAT balcony. Oh, god, the FORESHADOWING! He talks about the "nightmares" and Buffy's all "dang, he knows!".
Cordelia is down below talking about some health thing. Jesse sidles up and wants to dance with her. She dismisses him. I liked Jesse.
Back to Buffy and Giles, with her saying she might slay vampires if she happens upon them "It's not like I have fluffy bunny feelings for them" She reminds him. Give it time. More exposition. Giles tells her she should be able to spot if there's a vampire in the building. She barely looks before pointing one out. She can tell by his fashion sense. And, he's leaving with Willow! Poopykins. Buffy to the rescue!
Or not. She's in some back corridor of the Bronze and snaps off a chair leg for a stake whilst stalking stealthily around. Then she grabs Cordelia around the neck. Things are looking up! "What is your childhood trauma?!" Cordy cries. I love that line, for some reason. I use it a lot. And then I get stared at. All of Cordy's "girls" are there to witness this attack as Buffy looks sheepish and asks where Willow is. Buffy bolts and Cordy has to call everyone she's ever met.
Buffy is outta that club, as Jesse talks to Darla. Silly boy. She has family here.
And there they are! Luke's still by the pool of the blood and hey ho! The sleeper wakes! Finally. God, he's pretty. The Master. The speak about The Harvest, blah. Master tried to get out but can't. In your face, fruit-punch! Luke has to get the Master something to eat. Mmm donuts.
Willow and the vampire are walking through a graveyard, as you do. I smell trouble!
Buffy's still wandering around outside the Bronze. She's slow for a Slayer. Xander's there and he seems pleased Willow's scored with a guy. Yeah, at least it's not a girl. Whoops. "I hope he's not a vampire because then you might have to slay him" Xander comments, gleefully. Buffy's pissed off that everyone knows. He thinks she's mental. Buffy's still concerned about Willow.
Speaking of...Willow and her male pal are still going through the graveyard. They come to mausoleum and he tosses her in. Rrrr, saucy. That place is kind of scary. And Willow's scared. Suddenly Darla's blocking the door. The two vampires talk about Willow as if she's a portion of haddock. Jesse stumbles in, holding his neck. Darla got hungry on the way. It's weird that they portray her as quite a young vampire when she's really older than Giles! Holy moly! Willow gets all defiant until Darla changes into VampWhore face! Eeek.
Luckily, Buffy and Xander enter the crypt. Buffy quips as only Buffy can. Darla doesn't know who she is. More Buffy banter. The two vamps come at her from both sides. "This is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...". The guy vampire runs at her from behind. She whips a stake out from her boobies and sticks it in him. Girl Power! Take your phallic symbolism and stick it! Literally! If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends! YEAH! Xander grimaces and Thomas the vampire turns to dust. Cue shocked looks. Xander, Willow and Jesse run for their stinking lives as Buffy chick-fights with Darla.
Darla's getting her ass kicked. Buffy's all complacent and bitchy. Darla wants to know who she is. "Don't you know?" Buffy snorts snobbishly. A big, meaty hand grabs her around the neck and lifts her off the floor. "I don't care" Luke growls and throws her like she's a doll. Maybe she is. This is Sunnydale, after all. He then picks Darla up. He's a serial woman-picker-upper! Darla tells him Buffy's strong and Luke tells her to sod off, calling Buffy a "little girl" in the process. Oh no he didn't! snap snap snap. Buffy kicks him in the chest. Luke smiles "You're strong" He admits before hitting her across the face "I'm stronger". I knew there was a catch. Vampires never compliment you without having a catch.
Xander, Willow, Jesse run into a bunch of vamps. Piss.
Luke and Buffy continue to fight. She nearly stakes him but he throws her onto the stone coffin. Her back hits the corner of it. MOFO-ING OUCH! I felt that! Luke starts saying stuff about boils. I zone out.
His biblical voice-over continues as we go to Giles in the library looking at some old book with a picture of some demon that has the Mercedes sign on it's forehead. It's attractive AND easy to handle. Then we see the Master sitting in a throne. Xander, Willow, Jesse surrounded by vampires including Darla.
And we're back to Buffy who's on the floor with Luke leaning into her for a sweet tongue sandwich. Our heroine looks scared. He grabs her around the neck again (Get a new move, buddy!) and throws her into the open stone coffin. She lands next to Skelly McGee.
Silence as she looks/listens for signs of Luke. Nothing. Pheew. She's safe. Buffy sits up slowly. AHHHHHH! Luke jumps into the coffin! AHHHHHHH! He lands on top of her. "Amen" He grins before leaning down to bite Buffy! OMFG! "To Be Continued".
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Well, that was a pile of steaming fecal matter. I won't be watching this show again!
Anywho - this is my review of "Welcome to the Hellmouth" from a little-known show called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Now, I don't profess to be psychic or whatnot, but I have a good feeling about this! It's gonna be big!
+ + +
Establishing shot "Sunnydale High School" at night.
I'm excited, are you?
Fade into a shot of the school corridor, the library, some door type things...a classroom...riverting stuff, this.
Oooh bones! No, not DB's new show. Close up on a window. Yikes! Arm through window! Arm through window! A young man and a young blond woman start to climb through the window. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" She asks. "It's a great idea, come on!" He replies. You know...generally when people say that it really is NOT a great idea. But, I digress.
The witless couple stroll down the dark empty corridor talking some nonsense about seeing the whole town from the roof of the school - I bloody think not! The catholic-school girl broad plays it coy. She's just a dimwitted lass, you know. He's all "Hey, baby, hey baby, aww yeah, baby" or whatever. This fairly disastrous "flirting" goes on for too damn long. The guy finally leans in - all up in Dar...I mean "unnamed teen-girl"'s grill - but before he can get any play, she whips her head around and gasps. His halitosis must be pretty bad.
"What was that?" Blondie asks, frightened. "Colgate minty fresh, I swear!" He replies. Only, not. She heard a noise. He didn't. Blah blah blah. He teases her for being a wussy and she's all "it's not funny!" in her way-too-sexay voice for a high school student. Guy pretends to check it out, sing-songing "Helllloooo" with his back to her (Bad move, stud!) before insisting there's nobody there.
She moves in front of him, giving him her back. Not literally, because she needs a back. She's all "Okay..." whips around and BAM! She's a Nosferatu with hair! Holy schmoly! Sinking her vampiric fangs into the poor schmuck they both drop out of frame. Kinky.
Fade to black, yo.
Cue embarrassing First Season credits. Awwoooooo! Wow, SMG was young and also not so blond. Bad hair, bad! hee hee Aly...Cordelia with bags under her eyes...Giles looking foxy. Hey, Boreanaz wasn't in the credits! That's excellent. The rather tinny music slows down onto a rather unflattering shot of ol' Buff and "Created By Joss Whedon Champion of the People" carries us to black.
Hey hey! We're back. Some random girl is lying in bed...oh poo to this! It's Buffy. Her bed is big. I don't even have a bed that big and I'm older than she is at this point. Biiiiitch. She's having some freaky dreams about blood and vampires and, for some reason, religious statues. Gotta watch out for those Menorahs, kids! Hey, Moloch is in her dream! Da-am, girl's prophetic! The Vampyr book...Giles' finger. Eww. Buffy dreams of his finger! The cross Angel gives her, some zombies, gravestones blah blah. Basically it's fun for all the family.
She FINALLY wakes up when the Master turns to look at her with his fruit-punch mouth. Not that the mouth actually looks at her. That's more the eyes. Anywho, her mumsy shouts up to her and Buffy replies, sitting up. We see a bunch of crap in boxes around her bed. One box says "Wardrobe" which I find hard to believe since it's tiny. "Don't wanna be late for your first day!" shouts Kristine Sutherland, without actually sounding anything like Kristine Sutherland. "No, wouldn't want that" Buffy mumbles. Gasp! Methinks this be a sarcastic girl!
Cut to some slut-bomb's leg's as a couple of All-American boys push past her. She's all "Hey, bitches!". Yellow school bus. I covert a bus such as that. Oh, and some really emo music is playing. We pan up to reveal Sunnydale High, were necking is all the rage. Yes, I said necking.
Anywho Boreanaz's name appears on the screen in front of the bus which is some sort of foreshadowing for how huge he'll get in Season Five of Angel.
Buffy and Joyce pull up to the school, Joyce looking young and with different hair and also not dead. Oops, spoiler. Joyce is all supportive "mom" as Buffy gets out of the car to start her first day at a new school. "And, honey," Joyce adds "try not to get kicked out". There's support, for you. Joyce pulls away in her big honkin' car as Buffy surveys all that she owns! Or, rather, the school.
Cut to some dude skateboarding wildly. A bunch of students jump out of his way because he's a mad clown, yo'! We'll probably never see him again though. Young-boy-with-mop-hair spots Buffy going up the stairs and he's so transfixed by her hairdo that he skates right into the stair railing. Wipeout! Or is that surfing? Meh.
Some dorkish girl smiles at him as he lays on the ground like roadkill. We learn her name is "Willow". But I doubt she'll have a big part to play. They talk about "math". She is clearly the clever one, while he is a big dumb guy. They discuss the library. Some lanky dude in an orange shirt joins them and they move on to the riveting topic of the new girl. Buffy's a "hottie" apparently. Who knew?
And now we're in the Principals Office. Buffy's in there getting her record read out to her as if she has amnesia or something. He sits at his desk and we see his name is "B. Flutie". I'd rather B Buffy. Snar, snar. He rips up her permanent record, showing how much of a radical Principal he is. She looks shocked but secretly she's glad her evil scheme is working. "Welcome to Sunnydale. A clean slate, Buffy. That's what you get here. What's past is past" He starts to reconsider as he reads off the pieces of her record and clearly sees something shocking. They make some small talk and we learn his name is Bob rather than B, which is a shame, as he sticks the pieces of paper back together. Turns out Buffy burned down the gym. "That gym was full of vampires...!" Buffy starts but changes to "...asbestos". Yeah, cos vampires and asbestos sounds SO alike. She could have at least said...camp fires...or something....
Buffy's walking out into the hall. She's wearing a short skirt, which I failed to mention before. Which is odd since I like mentioning such things. Collision! Buffy dumps the contents of her bag onto the floor and the people that walked into her don't bother to help. American bastards! Luckily, Skateboarding Guy is at hand and rushes to her aid! He bends down and starts picking some of her crap up, asking "Can I have you?" Nervous laugh "Can I help you?". Oh, come on. We'd all rather HAVE her. They make introductions. He's Xander. Weird name. Awkward talk. Buffy exits. Xander's a loser. A loser who has Buffy's "stake". She could have at least tried to make it look a little more like a vibrator.
"Black Death" YIKES! Worry not, it's just what some teacher is writing on the blackboard. And then we see some RANDOM girl with long brown hair, very pretty, who is of no consequence whatsoever. Buffy's next to her. She doesn't have a book. Silly girl. The pretty girl offers to share hers with her. Wow, this girl is nice! Class ends rather abruptly and the girls make with the introductions. This will be a recurring theme throughout the episode. Turns out the girls' name is Cordelia. And Buffy's name is Buffy. Incase you forgot. Cordelia offers to direct Buffy to the library whilst chatting about "Hemery" in L.A. Cordelia would "kill to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes". FORESHADOWING! She tests Buffy's "coolness factor" to see whether Buffy is suitable friend material. I do that, too. Except my test involves self-flagellation. So, anyway, our Slayer is all thinking "wow, Cordelia is the shiznet! So nice and tall!". Well, she had the latter part right.
Willow's having a slurp at the water fountain and Cordelia makes some arsey comment about her clothes. Buffy's now all "wha? Cordelia? I thought you were cool but it turns out you're just a fool!". Cordy continues to berate poor Willow as Buffy watches it all, distressed. Cordelia announces Willow to be a "loser" as she hightails it. Moving on...they talk about the Bronze. Some club that's in the bad part of town, which is by Cordelia's own admission, "About a half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town, here". She invites Buffy to go. Buffy says she'll try. I'm sure the Bronze won't be an overused set, or anything.
Bell rings and Cordelia buggers off whilst Buffy strolls into the Library. Another set we'll never see again, I'm sure. The library is empty as she calls out to anyone, leaning on the counter. Menacing music plays as she looks down at a newspaper. Close up on an article circled in red, the title reads "Local Boys Still Missing" with a picture of what I presume to be local boys.
A hand taps her on the shoulder kind of hilariously, as if she has the BLACK DEATH and it doesn't want to have too much to do with her. She whirls around to face Tony Head! Hmmm Gold Blend. "Can I help you?" Tony asks. She's looking for some books, and tells him she's new. "Miss Summers?" He says curiously. He announces himself to be Mr Giles, the librarian. I don't believe it for one second! Not with that raunchy outfit on! He darts around to the other side of the counter as Buffy waffles on about some textbooks. "I know what you're after!" He says, and slams a big ol' book o' Vampyr down on the counter. Hey, didn't she have a dream about that very book and about that very finger of Giles' ? Spooky. Buffy seems to think so too as she backs away "That's not what I'm looking for". Giles looks flustered and puts the book back under the counter as she makes a break for the door. He starts to ask her to state her damn business then but she's already halfway to Splitsville by then.
Girls' Locker Room. Now this is more like it! Some girls are mouthing off about Buffy. Jesus, a new kid is that interesting? "What kind of name is Buffy?" One snorts, as some other girl greets her "Hey Aphrodesia!". Heh. I'd call her Afro. Some Latino girls starts acting up to the stereotype of all like "step-down girlfriend! uh huh! uh huh!" and opens her locker. Dead Guy who got munched on at the beginning of the episode tumbles out onto her shoulder as she screams her damn head off. Hey, we all need someone we can lean on! Give the guy a break.
Willow's eating a sandwich! That's entertainment, people! Buffy gallops up behind her "Hi! Willow, right?" "Why -- I mean hi!" Willow responds delightfully. The Vampire Slayer is asking her for a favour. Of course. She couldn't just want her companionship, could she? The bitch. Oh, right, it turns out the favour is Willow hanging out with Buffy. The hardship of it all! Ah, and she wants her help with studying! I knew there was a catch. The bitch. Willow's very enthusiastic about it, though, offering to help her in the library but Buffy's all "oooh nooo there's a scary English guy in there!". Willow thinks Giles is "really cool". I knew there was a reason Willow was considered the smart one. Buffy finds out Giles is new too and gets her Suspicious Face on.
Xander and Jesse join them rather rudely, I think. Xander rambles on about Buffy and his deep relationship with her and she manages to look both amused and creeped out. It's a good look on her. Xander returns her stake. Buffy bullcraps that she uses it for self-defense rather than good old fashioned pepper-spray. Well, I suppose if you stab someone in the eye with one it'd be just as effective. The boys question Buffy incessantly about herself and Xander informs her that in a town this small, she's big news. Really, I hadn't noticed. Cordelia shows up to save us from the tedium. Jesse has a thing for her. Oooh I think it's looooove. She's here to announce the news of the "extreme dead guy in the locker". Shock shock horror horror! Buffy starts asking too many questions and Cordelia labels her "Morbid much". The Slayer makes a quick getaway to the Locker Room!
She rips the door open with her brute strength. Yesss, some action! The body is just lying on the floor covered by a blanket. What the crap? Helloooo security! The guy has bite marks on his neck. Okay, we get it! Buffy is way pissed off.
KA-BLAM! She bursts through the library doors spouting her cool teen lingo at a befuddled Giles. What an insolent wretch! She's chatting about the dead guy. He wasn't that interesting, must we continue to make it all about him? Sigh. By the by, Giles and Buffy have got some mad sexual tension going on in this scene. Just pointing it out. Hehe Buffy was worried she'd have last months hair. Try last decades, darling! Meow. She expositions that the Dead Guy won't rise from the dead because he didn't get to suck Darla's blood. How does she know? She didn't exactly go "Gil Grissom" on the body and start searching the stomach lining! Mmm nice mental picture. "It's like a whole big sucking thing" She summarizes. She's talking about the Buffy/Angel arc already?
Bwha.
Buffy's like 'leave me alone, freaky British librarian person!' And he's all "Nuh uh, girlfriend! You are the Slayer! Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, one girl with the strength and skill..." Buffy interrupts him to finish off "...to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah blah blah. I've heard it, okay?". Noooo! Run from their evil blah blah! So, Buffy's all cynical and snarky so Giles decides the best course of action is to tell her about the Hellmouth. Good call! "Zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi...everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day - they're all real!". I'm feeling kind of ripped off, here. We never had a nice old-fashioned incubus invasion on BTVS. Moving on...we learn Giles is a "Watcher", that's English for "Pervert". Buffy then cleverly works in some exposition on how to kill a vampire. Je-sus. Get on with it! She goes into a big sob story of having a secret identity and losing popularity. Then she legs it. Giles runs after her. Xander emerges from the stacks all "What?!" DUN DUN DUNNY DUN!
And we're out in the hallway where Giles is shoving Buffy up against the wall. FORESHADOWING! Or, maybe not. Whatever, it's sexy as hell. They talk on and on about something happening and Giles gets pretty rough with her. I like this Giles! She scoffs at his
concern "Oh, come on! This is Sunnydale! How bad an evil can there be?" Ooooo crap! She should NOT have said that.
And we're outside the school, the camera panning behind some bushes. Cordy in Bushes! (Sorry, inside joke). Then the camera goes underneath the ground to reveal a spooky church with lots of candles. Cue menacing music and guys with ugly faces and flaming torches! Some guy with a wonderful voice is murmuring about "the sleeper will wake". Ha, don't count on it. My mum's been shouting that at me for many mornings now and I never do wake. A big ol' vampire is kneeling by a pool of blood. Yum, breakfast. He talks some other crap. And then we suddenly go to black. Told ya the sleeper wouldn't wake!
Buffy's room! She's debating which outfit to wear "Hi! I'm an enormous slut!" Well, at least she's honest, "Hello, would you like a copy of the Watchtower?". Joyce comes in and asks her whether there'll be boys at this club. "No, mom, it's a nun club" hee. I love that line. Mum lecture. Buffy assures her that from now on she's only going to hang out with the living. Oh, dear, she was so innocent back then wasn't she? Right before she started dating the undead. Those were the days...we hated.
And now she's strolling down the street dressed in a shirt and trousers...this is her outfit to go to a club? Oh, Buffy. It's dark and the street is empty and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as a pair of man-shaped legs enter the frame. I can tell this is going to be the start of something wonderful. GACK. So, this Himbo stalker decides to follow the Slayer at about five paces behind her and thinks she won't hear him. She does, o'course, and makes her way into the alley with him close behind. Himbo finds himself alone in the alleyway "Guh..." he is surely thinking. Turns out Buffy's above him doing a handstand on a conveniently places pole she made earlier! She waits for him to walk just underneath it before she swings down and kicks him in the back. Sweet. Then she pins him to the floor with a foot to the chest. Love is in the air!!!! Hey, it's David Boreanaz! "I know what you're thinking, but don't worry, I don't bite" He says. Hmmpf, I remember a certain "Graduation Day Pt.1" scene that'll prove you wrong, mister! Buffy stupidly let's him up. He's wearing a velvet jacket of all things! Not gay at all. Not an ounce of gayness here! He thought she'd be taller. Witty banter. He gives her a present and tells her to be ready for "The Harvest". Yes, Buffy, be ready for the second episode. She asks who he is. "Let's just say I'm a friend" he smirks and walks away. Buffy says she doesn't want a friend. "I didn't say I was yours" He finishes cryptically before disappearing. Yeah, he's my friend! So up yours! Turns out he gave her a pretty silver cross. Aww, now I'm in love.
BRONZE. Crappy music. Some guy waves and Buffy waves back only to find out he was waving at the person behind. Oh, I've done that. Heh. The waving guy will later turn up in the TV series Dark Angel as "Rafer", a man-ho. Yes, I do watch that much TV. Willow's over by the bar and Buffy joins her cheerily. We learn Willow has a crush on Xander. They dated when they were 5. Rough break up. Buffy's philosophy is "Life is short". Just like me and Sarah Michelle. She spots Giles up above on the BALCONY! (that place only means one thing now) and excuses herself.
"So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kind of skanky?" Heh. Stuffy Britishness. Reinforcing of British stereotypes. They talk about The Harvest and the Cryptic Guy "Dark, gorgeous...in an annoying sort of way" (Well, it's no "Kind of sallow...but in a hot way!" is it?). Giles looks concerned and positions himself behind Buffy. On the balcony. Yes, THAT balcony. Oh, god, the FORESHADOWING! He talks about the "nightmares" and Buffy's all "dang, he knows!".
Cordelia is down below talking about some health thing. Jesse sidles up and wants to dance with her. She dismisses him. I liked Jesse.
Back to Buffy and Giles, with her saying she might slay vampires if she happens upon them "It's not like I have fluffy bunny feelings for them" She reminds him. Give it time. More exposition. Giles tells her she should be able to spot if there's a vampire in the building. She barely looks before pointing one out. She can tell by his fashion sense. And, he's leaving with Willow! Poopykins. Buffy to the rescue!
Or not. She's in some back corridor of the Bronze and snaps off a chair leg for a stake whilst stalking stealthily around. Then she grabs Cordelia around the neck. Things are looking up! "What is your childhood trauma?!" Cordy cries. I love that line, for some reason. I use it a lot. And then I get stared at. All of Cordy's "girls" are there to witness this attack as Buffy looks sheepish and asks where Willow is. Buffy bolts and Cordy has to call everyone she's ever met.
Buffy is outta that club, as Jesse talks to Darla. Silly boy. She has family here.
And there they are! Luke's still by the pool of the blood and hey ho! The sleeper wakes! Finally. God, he's pretty. The Master. The speak about The Harvest, blah. Master tried to get out but can't. In your face, fruit-punch! Luke has to get the Master something to eat. Mmm donuts.
Willow and the vampire are walking through a graveyard, as you do. I smell trouble!
Buffy's still wandering around outside the Bronze. She's slow for a Slayer. Xander's there and he seems pleased Willow's scored with a guy. Yeah, at least it's not a girl. Whoops. "I hope he's not a vampire because then you might have to slay him" Xander comments, gleefully. Buffy's pissed off that everyone knows. He thinks she's mental. Buffy's still concerned about Willow.
Speaking of...Willow and her male pal are still going through the graveyard. They come to mausoleum and he tosses her in. Rrrr, saucy. That place is kind of scary. And Willow's scared. Suddenly Darla's blocking the door. The two vampires talk about Willow as if she's a portion of haddock. Jesse stumbles in, holding his neck. Darla got hungry on the way. It's weird that they portray her as quite a young vampire when she's really older than Giles! Holy moly! Willow gets all defiant until Darla changes into VampWhore face! Eeek.
Luckily, Buffy and Xander enter the crypt. Buffy quips as only Buffy can. Darla doesn't know who she is. More Buffy banter. The two vamps come at her from both sides. "This is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content...". The guy vampire runs at her from behind. She whips a stake out from her boobies and sticks it in him. Girl Power! Take your phallic symbolism and stick it! Literally! If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my friends! YEAH! Xander grimaces and Thomas the vampire turns to dust. Cue shocked looks. Xander, Willow and Jesse run for their stinking lives as Buffy chick-fights with Darla.
Darla's getting her ass kicked. Buffy's all complacent and bitchy. Darla wants to know who she is. "Don't you know?" Buffy snorts snobbishly. A big, meaty hand grabs her around the neck and lifts her off the floor. "I don't care" Luke growls and throws her like she's a doll. Maybe she is. This is Sunnydale, after all. He then picks Darla up. He's a serial woman-picker-upper! Darla tells him Buffy's strong and Luke tells her to sod off, calling Buffy a "little girl" in the process. Oh no he didn't! snap snap snap. Buffy kicks him in the chest. Luke smiles "You're strong" He admits before hitting her across the face "I'm stronger". I knew there was a catch. Vampires never compliment you without having a catch.
Xander, Willow, Jesse run into a bunch of vamps. Piss.
Luke and Buffy continue to fight. She nearly stakes him but he throws her onto the stone coffin. Her back hits the corner of it. MOFO-ING OUCH! I felt that! Luke starts saying stuff about boils. I zone out.
His biblical voice-over continues as we go to Giles in the library looking at some old book with a picture of some demon that has the Mercedes sign on it's forehead. It's attractive AND easy to handle. Then we see the Master sitting in a throne. Xander, Willow, Jesse surrounded by vampires including Darla.
And we're back to Buffy who's on the floor with Luke leaning into her for a sweet tongue sandwich. Our heroine looks scared. He grabs her around the neck again (Get a new move, buddy!) and throws her into the open stone coffin. She lands next to Skelly McGee.
Silence as she looks/listens for signs of Luke. Nothing. Pheew. She's safe. Buffy sits up slowly. AHHHHHH! Luke jumps into the coffin! AHHHHHHH! He lands on top of her. "Amen" He grins before leaning down to bite Buffy! OMFG! "To Be Continued".
+ + +
Well, that was a pile of steaming fecal matter. I won't be watching this show again!
