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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 2, 2008 8:30:32 GMT -5
"Spike, don't go! I can't leave here without knowing. Please say you'll stay. I- I'll do anything to make you stay b- but please stay! Please!!!!!!!!!!"
She sighed. After 2 years since that day, she still missed him. Missed his smile, missed his kisses, and really really missed his love. It filled her with warmth. A warmth full of promise. He had told her how he felt and she didn't believe him. Not until the very end................
She feels SO bad about it now. So much they could have had. He would have given her everything. He was her cure and she was his light. She didn't see it, chose not to see it, but it was there. As clear as day..............
This is why she hated her life. Because the ones that DID love her, she couldn't keep. The ones she hated always stayed. For example, Riley. He had come back to force her into a fast decision. To marry him and forget about Spike. She had told him to leave and to never EVER say that to her face again. She didn't want to hear it. She was tired and she was just simply.........drained.
And then, there was Angel. He had tried. She couldn't blame him for trying but she needed to be alone. She needed space to think. It was her only solitude. To think and to forget.
Her friends. They also tried, but she was just so tired. Tired of the endless loneliness.
At some point, she wanted to die. To leave this world and join him in the highest Heaven or the lowest Hell. She just wanted to end her own pain. The pain that wouldn't leave.
She needed everything to blank out. She needed a taste of freedom............
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 2, 2008 8:39:13 GMT -5
They had tried, but eventually they had given up. She was stubborn and she couldn't let go. She had everyone so worked up that the battle in front of them became a blur. A massive reminder of the 100 reasons why she hated being the slayer. Now, she can go on normally. Without the fear of losing people. But she did. She lost someone. She lost someone good, honest, and sincere. She lost her heart to him. He had stolen it only to give it back.
The dream will never stop. The dreams of him and peace. The tiny dimples he saved for her. The longing to see it again. To hear it again............
"I love you Buffy, never forget that I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 3, 2008 7:43:55 GMT -5
She never knew how deep his feelings were. Until the very end.
This is what you deserve, her mind kept chanting. It told her it was her own fault that led to this day. If she could have loved him, even a little, he would still be here and not burning up in the Hellmouth alone.
'It's all my fault...............'
"Not, it's not!"
Buffy: You heard that Dawnie?
"Yes, and frankly I think you're moping!"
Buffy glared at her, burning a hole into her head, "You don't know what I'm feeling Dawn!"
Dawn: I know that Spike would have said the same thing! He loves you yes, but you can't keep doing this. Brooding, sulking, letting yourself die! It's not fair to us. The people who needs you!!!!!!!
Buffy: I'm done being needed. I just want to be loved!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 3, 2008 10:23:54 GMT -5
It was true. They "needed" her. They didn't love her. They didn't even know her. They just "needed" her.
She wanted to forget. Close her eyes for one minute just to be alone. She didn't want this. This cold loneliness that threatened her to tears. The apocalypse averted, the world saved, she was ready to just............. be.
"The coven needs me Buffy. I have to be there!"
All of her friends had to leave. They all have their own lives now and she was strangely grateful. She can't help it. They had betrayed her so many times. Even her own little sister, Dawn. Kicking her out of the house for tying to help Angel, resurrecting her, kicking her out of the house again, and attempting to stake her champion. The last one is still a sore spot. Giles and Robin only had selfish intentions. All of her life, they had tried to protect her from the rest of the world. She wanted to find out what that was like but they made all of the decisions. Criticized all of her choices. Sometimes, it didn't feel like protecting. It seemed too critical. Insulting even............
They were smothering her. She wasn't dumb, she could see it. They were trying to play her mother's role in her life.
They never were Joyce.
Joyce didn't rip her out of Heaven.
It wasn't Joyce who placed her in the cold ground and lowering her coffin, sealing her in it.
It wasn't Joyce who kicked her out for the second time. Sure, she did at first but they weren't meant to harm. More like a concerned mother wanting to protect her cub. These friends disclosed all of that by making her repeat it again. Bad memories............
Her Heaven was taken by the power of magic. A power apparently stronger than even God. It was a miracle!
A very dark miracle..............
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 3, 2008 10:57:45 GMT -5
Criticizing her at every turn, at every hour..........
It sometimes got so crazy at the house that she had to leave. She couldn't stay there to take all the bickering and shouting matches. It was too emotional to listen to............
Sometimes, it'd be easier without a soul. Without a soul, you didn't have to care. With all the powers and abilities she has, she could have put them to good use. Like showing who was boss. Showing that "SHE" was boss!
Thinking about, it she quickly dismissed the idea. It sickened her to even bring it up.
'What's happening to me............?'
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 3, 2008 11:13:30 GMT -5
"The IT you are referring to is called Spike. He might be evil, he might be soulless, but he's my decision to make. Not your's or your's. He's mine!"
They had been so dense. Giles and Robin. She was so fed up with them and their earlier behavior. They were cold and distant.
But that night helped her define the word "enemy."
'Know your enemy because they're right under your nose.'
Attacking Spike was like a rape to her existence. It was wrong and damnit, why did they have to be so nosey? It was her life, her choice! They had no right to invade her privacy!
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 3, 2008 17:42:39 GMT -5
"I always gave you guys the highest regards. I've always let it pass when you do something wrong. Now, I expect the same from you. All of you............."
That was the night she was voted out of her house. They had a secret vote behind her back. She was just so sick of being left out of the loop, tired of being misinformed. It was pretty nasty that night. She had come home expecting a big welcome.
"Welcome Buffy" would have been nice but that was not the case. Her reasons were thrown around only to be thrown back into her face. It was not the kind of thing you'd expect after a hard night of patrol. She just wanted to skip the talk and go to bed. Was it that hard for them to grasp?
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Post by spuffycrusade83 on May 3, 2008 17:57:38 GMT -5
No, they were too busy freaking over her problems. They couldn't see it was taking all her effort to not hit someone in that room. They nearly cost her to round on Dawn. Dawn was the final say. They didn't want her around anymore............
They were going to use her for a while and then toss her out.
It was the straw that broke the dam...............
The final straw...........
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