Soul Purpose - PG13

[mybubbles245]

Title: Soul Purpose
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Notes: Spike's POV; set after Season 6 fianle when Spike comes back from getting his soul

Chapter One

Its been a long time. Too long. Since I have seen her. Beautiful and strong and ever so ragged. She's torn and ripped, yet so gentle and perfect. She is love and hate, slavation and damnation, heaven and hell. She is so many contridictions wrapped up into one sole entity that can rip your heart out or take your breath away. Some would say there is no difference in the two. But I know. Either way, I've missed her.
It seems like forever ago that I first met her. After killing this vamp that had a lot of potential I clapped for her. I was so arrogant, and I still am. But I had wanted to kill her then. Hell I still want to kill her now, but I don't at the same time.

F**k that girl has me whipped and oh so confused. I can't figure her out. But I do know one thing about her...

She's just like me.

She'll deny it. And yeah, normally I'd deny it. But its true. We are two very different creatures, vampire and slayer, but we are the same. Confused and deeply disturbed.

She's amazing. Our first kiss was amazing and perfect. Well, as perfect as a kiss, shared between two enemies in an alley behind the Bronze after defeating a demon who made the whole of Sunnydale sing, could be.
And the sex. The sex was great. I remember the first time I had her completely like it was yesterday. I'm still not even sure she was there with me. But that night we shook the earth, quite literally because the house came falling down around us. It was life altering. And it did alter a lot. And I remember the last time I had her. Soilder boy knew, but Angel has yet to find out. I'm surprised he wasn't the first one she went to.

I was a drug to her, still am because she knows I'm here.
She didn't love me. She loved what I did to her. How I made her feel. She loved that I was her escape, the easy way out of the pain and unhappiness life brings. I know that. she was using me. I was a game to her and I was the only one who didn't like her rules. I had the love I had for her dangled in front of me as bait and I fell for it everytime. It was torture. So much more so than Angelus couldn't have been more merciless.

But here I am. Standing, like a fool in front of her door. Waiting. Waiting for the nerve to finally knock. She can tell I'm standing right outside, scared out of my mind. Still she doesn't open the door. Why should she? I'm a monster, I represent everything she fights against. I undermind everything she stands for.
I'm standing here. Hoping that this isn't a dream, that I wont wake up in that god forsaken crypt and still being the souless evil shell I was.

Perhaps she won't accept it. Perhaps she'll still hate me for what I did to her. And rightly so. I tried to rape her. I couldn't accept that she didn't want to continue this lie.
There is this voice in my head now. Maybe its the soul talking and maybe Angel was right. God, I actually admit he's right for once the stupid ponce. He knows how this feels. Waiting for judgement just to be stabbed in the stomach and sent straight to hell. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should leave...
So I turn around and walk about three steps before I hear a lock sliding and a door opening.


She's standing in front of me now, surrounded by light from her living room. Looking just like the goddess I left crying in her bathroom. She's looking at me in awe, horror, anger, and confusion all at once.
I stare at her, unable to speak or move. I just look at her. She can't belieive I have the audacity to show up here after what happened.

Neither of us speak, becuase we are either to scared or simply do not know what to say.

She steps aside and motions for me to come in. I walk to the door silently and stop at the frame, waiting for permission to enter.

"Come in, Spike," She says in a soft but firm voice.

So I walk inside and I am immediately faced by the whole Scooby Gang. The whole sodding lot of them looking at me in horror. Or is it anger? Bloddy hell, I don't even want to know.
Then I see Dawn. My little niblet, standing there with her hands full of dishes with leftovers and crumbs on them. She's looking at me with a puzzled look on her face, like she doesn't know whether to hug me or give me a nice hard slap. Both seems to be appealing to her now.

"Hi," I say standing in front of them like I'm waiting for judgement, which I am.
Dawn drops the dishes she's holding and the rest of the gang stands slowly, one by one. They all know. Buffy must have told them, or whoever noticed the marks first would have inquired. She would have told them the truth. I know her enough to know that.

Xander is the first to speak. "Spike? What the hell are you doing here?" He said to me voice full of contentment.

"I came...to see Buffy. And the niblet. And I came to get the things I left here and move on. I doubted you would ever want to see me again." I answered looking from him to Buffy then to Dawn who had stared picking up the dishes she dropped and looked up when I had mentioned her.

"Well hurry up. Get your things and leave." Xander still looked as if he was about to punch me, like he could the little prat. But I don't respond, don't flinch at the icy tone in his voice. No I do nothing but stare at the whole lot of them.

"Dawn? Please put the dishes in the sink, I'll do them later. Then go to bed, you have school tomorrow." Buffy said t her sister. Then she truned to the gang and said quietly but resolutely. "GO home. Rest up. There will be another apocolypse for us to handle tomorrow. I want to speak with Spike."

Xander looked outraged and said hotly, "But Buffy, after what he did to y--"

"No buts Xander. Just leave please. I can handle myself with him. He won't hurt me. He has had plenty of chances by now." Buffy said opening the door as they picked up their things. Willow was the last one out, and before she left she took Buffy aside from the door and said, "Buffy, I trust you know what you are doing. I hope things work out alright. If you need anything?"

Buffy nodded signaling she understood and her friend walked out into the night.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[JamesMFan]

I like it. I like the inner turmoil of Spike's psyche. And am eagerly awaiting the Buffy/Spike confrontation.

[mybubbles245]

thanks soooo much i'm addicted to writing this now....almost completed Chatper 2

[mybubbles245]

Chapter Two

I stood in the center of her living room watching her dismiss her friends. I felt terrified, so terrified. I wondered what she was going to do.
She's so pretty. I wonder... But I clear my mind of all thought as she turned towards me and shut the door.

We stood facing each other. Dawn had turned most of the lights off when she had headed upstairs. It was semi-dark and quiet. Very quiet. Buffy didn't even seem to be breathing.

"Please, sit. Explain." Was all she said. No hello, or where were you, or even a get the hell out of my house. Just that. Like I shouldv'e expected anything but this strange sense of forboding from her. Anger, hatred, horror, maybe...but this was new. This feeling filled the room with a sadness, a regret. No it was something worse too...fear.

I sat in the chair across from where she had just sat on the couch and a deep heavy sigh escaped my mouth. She looked at me expectantly like she was waiting for the moment she could throw me out head first onto the cement. So with another deep un-needed sigh I began to speak.
"I went to visit Joyce first, told her grave exactly what had happened between me and you and what I did...but I'll get to that later. The I saw Tara and got word from Clem what had happened to her, and Willow. I am truly sorry. That girl was an angel, so sweet and caring. I hope Willow is doing better."
I paused and looked up at Buffy who's eyes were seemingly lost in mine as I spoke.

She took a breath and said, "Yes, she's doing better. She has a long way to go. Giles took her to England to get her powers under control. She just got back. She hurts so much." She stopped abrubtly and said, "Continue. Please?"

It sounded to me more of a question than a demand. This startled me but, to her plea, I continued.
"I've had a lot of time to think. About everything. About us." And I hung my head unable to face her. "About what I did to you. It killed me to reflect on everything that has happened between us. It was painful and heartbreaking. But it was neccacary. I had to figure out who I was, and what I was." I looked up again and she was looking at me with a confused look on her face.

"I went to Africa, to search for a demon. I had heard round the demon chit chat in this sodding place that this demon could grant one's desire. I got my soul back."
She jerked her head up. "What? How?"
"The demon granted my wish. Wished to have my soul. To be like I was before being sired. To be what you wanted. But it wasn't free. Three trials were set up. The first a demon with flaming fists, the second was a two headed Gravnor demon, and the last being engulfed by a horde of giant scarab beetles, inside and out. Not pretty and not easy. Torture. But I fought them. Fought them all. Damn near got killed doing it, but I couldn't give up. Been burned and torched, sliced and diced, chewed up and spit out, but I kept going. Wanted to give up, and one time I almost did. But one thing drove my determination, you. You were the voice inside my head, telling me to fight. Telling me not to give up, to go on, to win back my soul. I couldn't drown you out. I didn't want to drown you out. My soul was worth it, the pain and suffering. It hurts, but I want more. I want to help, I want to help make up for the things I did. To you..." I looked at her and she was silently crying, "And the others. The ones I killed, turned, tortured. I hear their voices in my head all the time. Angel was right about that. He told me once that its not easy. He was wrong, its more than not easy. It excurciating. The remorse and the sadness. The need to be redeemed. But the worst part," I reached a hand to touch her cheek, "Is the remembering. The reliving. Every night I see it all again. Technicolor and surround-sound. I try to make it end differently but these aren't like dreams. These are memories."

She's sobbing now. Tears streaming down her face. But no sound escapes her mouth. I am almost touching her cheek then I pull back.
"I can't say 'sorry'. Can't use 'forgive me'. All I can say is that I've changed. I know that you may still want me to leave and never come back, and so I am going to. No questions or complaints. Nothing but this goodbye. I won't leave you like Angel did. I'm saying goodbye now."

I stand up but she grabs my hand. Instantly my mind fills with memories. Kissing her outside the Bronze, hand sliding over her shoulder on the balcony, screwing her outside of the Doublemeat palace, holding the handcuffs in front of her face, tugging at her clothing in her bathroom. She says to me through hushed sobs. "It hurts?"

I turn to face her again. Her soft warm palm is sliding into mine as she holds me back. If my heart could beat I swear it would have skipped a few. "Like hell. But I can deal. As long as you know that I did it for you, I can deal with the pain."

Buffy stood up and stepped closer to me looking deep into my eyes. "I know it must have been torture. And I know it must still be torture..." He hand was still in mine and I was silently wondering why. "But I want you to know that I am moved. And truly touched. This was big for you, and because you did it for me proves that...you may...well, I'll leave it at that." Her hand still had not left mine. She was waiting for me to make a move or say something that would make her want me to stay.

I pull away from her and say. "Niblet is still up. Do you mind if I go say goodbye to her?"
Buffy nodded yes still choking back tears. And I turned from her and slowly sauntered up the stairs. When I got to the head I saw Dawn standing in her doorway crying as well.
"Niblet?" I said softly and she ran up and hugged me. "Oh Dawnie."
But she interuptted me by saying, "I hate you so much. Because what happened between you and Buffy and becuase you left me. I hate you so much." She was sobbing into my shoulder now as I was tearing up myself. "But I am so proud of you. You got your soul. And I still love you. I understand you have to leave but I wish...you..would stay."
She stood back a little watching me intently.

"Niblet, you know I love you and your sis. But I can't stay now. Not after..." I looked down the stairs, "Anyway, I wanted you to have this." I shrugged off my leather jacket and handed it to her. "Take good care of it. Its like a second skin to me. And bit? Take care of your sister. She needs you right now." I walked over to her and planted a kiss on her forehead and trudged off down the stairs.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[mybubbles245]

Chapter Three

Buffy stopped me when I headed for the door.
"Thank you." Buffy said to me looking into my eyes intently. "Thank you so much."
I pulled her to me and she didn't pull away. I basked in how her warm breath lingered near my collar bone and how her head rested on my shoulder, like she was safe. She was relaxed and unworried. I marveled at the fact that she fit pefectly into my arms, like she was meant to be there. I held her for the first time ever. And she knew it, and it didn't scare her. She wasn't ashamed.

A soul makes the most difference in the world, becuase no matter how much pain I endured, or how many times I was almost defeated, it is all worth it to be the man standing at the door holding her right now. It feels wonderful. And perfect.

When she finally pulled away from me, whether it was minutes or hours I couldn't tell which, she said, "Please stay...just a little bit longer?"
I nodded as she gestured back at the couch, but instead of me sitting across form her in the cahir she pulled me onto the couch beside her as though she had nothing to fear from me. No reason to distance herself. No reason to belive I was a threat to her.

"I never said I was sorry did I?" I asked her. "Well, I'm sorry. Truly and deeply. For everything I did, and for how I treated you."
"I know." She said slowly bringing her hand to stop my next words. "I have had a lot of time to think about this. And I seem to have reached a conclusion tonight..." She paused looking into my eyes as if seeing me for the first time. "I don't know. Nothing is clear. I have also started to believe that everything happens for a reason, no matter how fucked-up that reason is. And that reason is never clear, until it's right in your face and kicking your ass."
She smiled bleakly and continued,
"If none of it had happened, you wouldn't have left, and you wouldn't be sitting in my house, and you wouldn't have gotten your soul. I wouldn't have had time to deal, and I wouldn't be sitting here saying this. But all of it did happen. So I guess, to sum all this up, I have one thing to say - fate can kick your ass, but just when you think that everything is unclear and so fucking fucked-up, I can look at you, and I know that this is true. I know that you love me, and that you have changed."

I took her hand from my mouth. She had just made my heart beat, I swear it. I couldn't believe I wasn't out on my ass again. I just didn't think that this good of a thing could be true.

I placed my hand on her cheek marveling on how soft and suple her skin was. Like silk. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax. I've never felt this close to her, even when I was inside of her, she wasn't with me. In all the times we slept together and in all the times we were fighting she was never there. But she is now. And we aren't sleeping together, and we aren't fighting. God, if I didn't love this woman before I do now because I can feel her temperture rising even at the slightest touch.

"I'm sorry, Spike." She said tears again coming to rest in her eyes. "For everything. Maybe if we hadn't started that whole sex thing it would have been better. I drove you to it. I know I did. I treated you so bad and you never once stopped loving me. You never once did. I never knew." She took a breath and continued speaking through her sobs. "Thats a lie. I did know. Thats why it was you. It was always you. I couldn't stop. I was so messed and I still am because I still relive it every night. Not what you did, what I did. I can't believe that was me. I just wish..."

She gasped as I dipped my head down and pressed my lips ever so gently to hers in a sweet and tender kiss. And she didn't stop me. My god, I missed this woman. She opened her mouth welcoming my tongue, and slowly and hesitantly I greeted her with it. It was really only the second real kiss I've ever had from her. The first being after Glory had spent hours torturing me. She let her hand roam up to tangle in my hair as I did the same with mine. But this wasn't right. We can't do this. Not after...

I pulled back and heard her wimper when I did so. "Don't be sorry. But we can't do this. Not now. Not when you don't...." I stopped unwilling to voice my fears. But she looked at me and knew what I meant. "I'm going to go now. OK? I have some more people to talk to. To explain things to. And to apologize to. So if you need me...well...I'll be around."

I got up and walked to the door. She reluctantly followed after she caught her breath. She opened it but shut it quickly. She turned and said, "Stay. Stay the night with me."
I looked at her and wanted to say ok. I wanted to stay. She wanted me to stay. It was all to sureal. But I couldn't...
"I really can't Buffy. Not now."
I walked out into the night heading straight for the Magic Box. She called after me.
"And what if I need you?"
I turned and smiled at her, "Just scream...I'll come running."

I heard her shut the door and I turned back and started walking again.

Meanwhile I heard Xander, Anya, Willow and Giles exhale as if releived. "Well I'll be damned..." Xander said staring after me and I flicked them a two fingered wave as I strode off.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[mybubbles245]

Chapter Four

Somehow the lot of them made it back to before me. So when I opened the Magic Box door I heard them talking.
"Maybe he has changed." Willow was saying as she looked to Xander. "Maybe this is a sign that we should forgive him."
"He hasn't changed Will," Xander said insolently. "You can't change from being evil."

Willow looked like her had just slapped her. Realizing what he had said Xander fell silent.
"I did Xander." Willow said slowly fighting the urge to run out of the store. "I came back from evil. I changed."
"But you weren't evil all you undead life were you?" Xander said twirling a stake in his right hand.

"Careful, now, before you stab that stake in the wrong place." I said as I sauntered up to them.
Giles looked at me strangely, and the rest of them had a look of discomfort on their faces. "Look, I am not expecting you guys to be as forgiving and as understanding as Buffy." I paused looking to each one of them in turn. "But all I can say on my behalf is that I am truly sorry. For everything. But I was nothing but helpful to you sodding ungrateful lot. Fought side by side with you. Took care of the little bit. And never once reverted to the thing I was before the sodding commandos put that buggering chip in my head. But you shut me out."

I looked at Xander especially. "Think about that. You shut me out ok? I wasn't even told about the plan to wrench Buffy out of heaven now was I? I would have stopped you." I said pointing to Willow. "Would've told you that she couldn't have been in hell. Not after all she's done. But no. I'm not worth trusting. I'm not worth enough to be let in to your precious Scoobies. But the fact remains, Buffy's more or less forgiven me, seems right that you should to."

Silence. I scoff as all of them bow their heads and none of them speak. Insolent fools.

Willow was the first to speak after minutes of silence. "Spike, I do. I forgive you. You were always there for Dawn when we couldn't be. No matter what she needed. And for Buffy. You seemed sincerely sorry. So yes I forgive you." She looked at Giles who nodded and spoke up as well. "I am not condoning your actions Spike but I feel that you have changed. For the better. Your choice about getting your soul back was very, well, for lack of a better word, brave. And I am sincere in my apology and in my forgiveness."

"Thanks Rupe. Willow?" I said after acknowledging Rupert's comments. She looked up and I spoke softly, "I am sorry about Tara. Sweet girl. It’s a shame. I hope you...well...I'm here if you ever need a punching bag." She smiled and giggled a little through her tears.

Xander looked from Giles and Willow to Anya who spoke next. "Look Spike, I, umm, I. Yeah. Well forgive me first and I'll forgive you ok?" Anya looked from Xander back to me, and blushed a violent shade of red. Xander looked away as I spoke.
"There's no need for you to be begging for forgivness but alright. You are one of the only people who understood me. Maybe thats because you were a demon once. Maybe this is as hard for you as it is for me right now. But I'm sorry for taking advantage of the situation."

She nodded in my direction and all of them looked to Xander who said nothing. I scoffed once more then turned to the rest of the group.
"I have to go make amends and whatnot. So this is my goodbye. You won't see me anymore."
I hugged Willow and Anya and shook Rupert's hand, then turning towards the door I strode off not speaking a word to Xander.

After I had shut the Magic Box door I went around back just to see what Xander's reaction would be. Anya and Willow were still standing looking at Xander in disbelief. Giles was moving only to clean his glasses. Xander spoke up into the akward silence. "Look, I mean, he hasn't changed guys. He's still the murderer that we..."

"Worked side by side with during the summer..." Willow said bitterly, "Who fought for Dawn and Buffy on that tower. Who got beat up by Glory to protect the both of them. Who went to Africa and went through torture to get his soul back. Who you left with Dawn when you had better things to do that sit around and watch a hormonal teen. So he's the same vampire? I don't think so. And I forgive him, Giles and Anya both forgive him. And Buffy...the person he really hurt who shouldn't have forgiven him...she did though. And still, you say nothing?"
Xander gawked at her and when she finished he said, "Willow? He's a killer."

Willow stepped back from him. "So am I."
Giles spoke up, "As am I."
Anya spoke as well, "I am too."
Willow shook her head and said, "So was Angel and you forgave him. So is Buffy. Buffy tried to kill you and you forgave her."

I smiled and walked off, I knew I'd be getting one last visit from Harris, whether he knew it or not.

TO BE CONTINUED...

The long awaited and very dramatic Xander/Spike confrontation is coming up next.